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View Full Version : Clean jokes here please.



Alex Kile
13.05.2006, 17:53
I thought a joke corner would be a good post starter. So hereis the first one.

A Lion and a Tiger met up in the Army mascot corps.
the lion said to the tiger....." I see you got premoted to sargent"
The tiger replied..... " how did you know?"
The lion said to the tiger...." By your new stripes."

The Sonic God
17.05.2006, 01:40
A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

"What would you like?"
"I'll have a cherry........ cola."
"Why the big pause?"
"I dunno. I've always had them."

anything spicy
20.05.2006, 07:35
A lion walks into a bar with a newt on his sholder.
"whats his name" asked the bar maid
"Tiny" replied the lion.
"Why do you call it tiny"
"because hes my newt"

Reepacheep
20.05.2006, 15:26
A lion walks into a bar

ouch.

:]

The Sonic God
24.05.2006, 02:00
Lame. :p

I'm still contemplating on blonde jokes that are clean...

s-tlk
24.05.2006, 06:41
The shortest computer joke ever:

"I've got it, in a moment!"

I've translated it from german, but it still sounds better there. Also I hope the translation is correct.

Alex Kile
24.05.2006, 07:43
Just turn them into hyena jokes. That way no none here would be offended and everyone would get them.

The Sonic God
27.05.2006, 00:23
Originally posted by s-tlk
The shortest computer joke ever:

"I've got it, in a moment!"

I've translated it from german, but it still sounds better there. Also I hope the translation is correct.

Why, what is the quote in German?

A lion and a hyena watch the coin toss in a football game. During the game, the hyena is confused. "I don't get what all of the fuss is about twenty-five cents." The lion, bewildered, asks, "How do you mean?" The hyena scratches her head. "Well, they're always shouting 'get the quarter back, get the quarter back!'"

Sarabi Bubbles
27.05.2006, 21:51
oooh, I know some "hyena" jokes!

A hyena gets onto an airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip, the pilot comes onto the intercom and says, "Lions and Gentlemen, it seems one of the 4 engines has died. We can still fly safely, but our landing will be delayed about 1 hour."

About an hour later, the pilot comes back onto the intercom and says, "Lions and gentlemen, it seems another engine has died. We will remain flying, but our landing will be delayed another hour."

A while later, yet another engine dies! the pilot comes onto the intercom and says, "Lions and gentlemen, we have one engine left. Our landing will be delayed another 3 hours."

After hearing this, the hyena turns to the lion sitting next to him and says, "Geez, if that last engine dies, we'll be up here all day!"

The Sonic God
28.05.2006, 00:06
"What do you call a hyena with half a brain? Gifted!" - Timon

Sarabi Bubbles
28.05.2006, 01:25
2 hyenas were driving to disneyworld. they saw a sign that said, "Disneyworld-Left".

so they turned around and went home

Reepacheep
29.05.2006, 00:05
Originally posted by Sarabi Bubbles
2 hyenas were driving to disneyworld. they saw a sign that said, "Disneyworld-Left".

so they turned around and went home

hahahahaha! i love that one :D

The Sonic God
29.05.2006, 01:14
That's perfect. We need more jokes like that one. Thanks Sarabi Bubbles. :)

Sarabi Bubbles
30.05.2006, 01:43
No problem!

The Sonic God
01.06.2006, 01:11
A cat's dictionary

Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

Sarabi Bubbles
01.06.2006, 03:51
Aw, that one is cute. I like that one!


What did the hyena say when she opened up a box of cheerios?

Donut Seeds!

The Sonic God
01.06.2006, 20:29
Parody from Family Guy:

Banzai: Hey, there's a message in my Alpha-Bits, Shenzi. It says, "Ooooooooo!"
Shenzi: You moron! Those are Cheerios!

Cobalt
02.06.2006, 03:02
Sorry, can't figure a way to adapt this to a hyena/lion/cat joke....

A man calls for an ambulance, and when the medics arrive he has both his ears in bandages. Medic askes the man what happened, and he says , "I was ironing, and the phone rang. I wasn't paying attention and <sizzle> I answered the iron..."

The medic says, "Well, that's one ear. What happened to the other one?"
The man says, "Well. I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

The Sonic God
02.06.2006, 05:25
XD Oh my god.... and to think that there are people in this world who are that stupid, it's incredible... lol

Why did the hyena cross the road?
To catch the chicken who just crossed it. :p

anything spicy
02.06.2006, 16:06
I've got another one:

Q:How does a Hyena kill a fish

A:It drowns it

The Sonic God
02.06.2006, 18:51
If you stare at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate," then you might be a hyena. ^^

Sarabi Bubbles
02.06.2006, 21:12
A hyena comes into a store to buy a television. After picking out the one she wanted, she placed it on the checkout counter. The lion cashier looked at the hyena and said, "We don't serve hyenas here." Upset, but not willing to give up, the hyena went out and bought a leopard costume.
The next day she came in wearing her leopard costume and picked out the television and put it on the counter. The lion rolled his eyes at her and said, "We dont serve hyenas here." The hyena, insulted and confused asked, "How did you know i was a hyena?!"
The lion cashier replied, "Because that's a microwave, not a television."

The Sonic God
02.06.2006, 22:08
Buahaha! XD

A smart hyena, a cheetah, and Santa Claus were racing toward the finish line. Who got there first?

The cheetah. No such thing as Santa Claus, and no such thing as a smart hyena. ;)

Cobalt
03.06.2006, 19:47
A lion and a hyena jump off Pride Rock. Who hit's the ground first?


A: The lion. They hyena had to stop to ask for directions.

The Sonic God
04.06.2006, 05:57
That's a good one, I like that. :)

How is a pretzel not like anything else in a traditional bakery?

'Caus it's knot bread!

Kirauni
05.06.2006, 16:50
@S-tlk: Your joke reminded me of this one:


Best file compression: del *.* (100% compression)

:D

s-tlk
05.06.2006, 18:08
LOL, Kirauni. *lies under his desk*

That sounds typical for something from german-bash or daujones.

The Sonic God
06.06.2006, 01:44
Actually the real command works in Linux, rm -r /* . And if you do that, you can say bye-bye to everything. :p

A lion, a leopard, and a hyena were trapped by a group of people armed with guns.

In attempts to have the lion save his own life, he shouts out, "Tornado!" The humans turn their heads, and the lion escapes.

In attempts to have the leopard save his own life, he shouts out, "Hurricane!" The humans once again are distracted and turn their heads. The leopard escapes.

In attempts to have the hyena save his own life against the humans, he shouts out, "Fire!"

:p

The Sonic God
06.06.2006, 23:22
IDIOTS EVERYWHERE

IDIOTS AT WORK...I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS...An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE...My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce. "He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOTS IN THE NEWS...Buffalo Channel 4 News on October 20th,1999 informed its captivated audience that when selling their computer, the best way to erase the files on your computers hard drive is by drilling a hole in the drive itself! "By drilling a hole in the drive itself, you make it impossible for the new owner to get your files." No kidding, idiot! IDIOT SIGHTINGS...

Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open." Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."

Sighting #6: I work in a hospital and one day the doctor and I were asking a pregnant lady some questions upon admission to the maternity ward. When we asked her who we should call in case of an emergency, she stated "911".

Sighting #7: My daughter was going over to the neighbor’s house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbors she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbors phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbors phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbors to go home and see who was on the phone. No one was on the phone. My daughter could not figure out what was going on until someone explained it to her.

Sighting #8: As systems manager of an answering service a few years back I had the pleasure of working with an especially ignorant doctor. Our system was trying to fax her messages to her place of business when a message came back informing us her fax was out of paper. When I called her office and told her about this she replied, "Oh, I'm all out of bond paper. Could you fax me some?" I'm right on it, Babe.

Sighting #9: I was in McDonalds one time when the lady in front of me ordered a cheeseburger and requested no cheese. Now I don't know about you but that sounds like a hamburger to me.

Sighting #10: Many years ago I worked in a delicatessen. The assistant manager had burnt something in the oven and smoke was pouring from the kitchen area. When the store manager came by and asked why she hadn't opened the emergency fire exit door to allow the smoke to go outside she said, "I thought about it but I couldn't find the key!"

Sighting #11: I was sitting at my University bar with some friends the other day when we overheard a man talking on his mobile phone. He was saying that he wanted to "buy, buy, buy" some shares and "sell, sell, sell" some shares. Unfortunately for him, his mobile phone actually began to ring!!! The laughter in the bar was heard for miles!! Now that's what I call an IDIOT!

Sighting #12: A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, "If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an hour?" Oh yeah, she's a smart one.

Sighting #13: Calling the telecommunication company to inform them my phone didn't work and that when I picked up the receiver its completely dead, the technician said from the other end "Are you calling from the number of the phone that does not work?"

Cobalt
06.06.2006, 23:42
Yeah, and it's these idiots that keep me in a job....:lionwink

TRUE STORY:

I was clled late one evening to a fast-food resturaunt (A Sonic's of all things) ;)

The call had gone out for a "structure fire." I arrived on scene in the ambulance, and met up with the command team that consisted of: 4 police cars, 2 tanker trucks, a ladder truck, and the heavy rescue squd for the fire department. I noticed that nothing really seemed to be happening and so I walked over to the fire cheif, who was walking out of the building. He told me that I would not be needed, and could clear my unit from the scene. I asked what had happned and he explained that an employee had gone into the utility closet where the hot water heater was, knelt down on the floor and seen the pilot light flame for the water heater. Without saying anything to *anyone* he dashed out of the room and called 911 saying that the water heater was "on fire."

The fire cheif had simply gone in and shut off the gas supply to the building and told the manager what had happend.

The temptation to go back the next day when I was off and ask for a cup of hot water was almost irresistable. :lionbiggrin

The Sonic God
07.06.2006, 03:51
Wow... we're kind of straying from a clean joke, but hey, I find it pretty funny. I can't believe that such people exist.

Good thing that it was a false alarm.

Sarabi Bubbles
07.06.2006, 21:14
A hyena, a lion, and a tiger are driving through the desert. Suddenly, their car breaks down, but luckily, there is a town just a few miles up ahead. They decide that they should walk there and get help, but know that they should bring some items to avoid things like heat stroke.

The lion says, "i'm going to bring a bottle of water, so we don't get dehydrated."

The tiger says, "I'm going to bring some sun screen, so we dont get a sunburn."

Meanwhile, the hyena is twisting and turning and pulling at the car door. He finally breaks it off. The tiger and the lion are surprised and confused and ask, "Why did you rip the door off of the car?!"

The hyena smiles and says, "So that if it gets too hot, i can just roll the window down!"

Cobalt
07.06.2006, 22:18
A lion walks into a hardware store, and asks the owner, "Do you have any meat?" THe owner looks down at the lion and says, "No. This is a hardware store, and besides, we don't sell to lions. Now get out!"

The next day, the lion comes back in and asks, "Do you have any meat?" The owner says, "No! I told you that yesterday!"

The third day, the lion comes back in the store and asks the same guy, "Do you have any meat?" The owner explodes. "NO! You have come in here three days in a row now and asked me that, and the answer is always the same. Now, get out. If you come and ask me that one more time, I'm going to glue your fuzzy paws to the floor!"

Day four rolls around, and the lion comes back in the store, and walks up to the owner and says, "Excuse me. Do you have any glue?" The owner looks at his shelf stock and shakes his head. "No, sorry. I just sold the last bottle of it."

The lion grins and says, "Good. Got any meat?" :lionbiggrin

The Sonic God
07.06.2006, 23:34
What, the lion didn't know the butcher was next door? lol

Kirauni
08.06.2006, 11:32
That one was really funny, Cobalt. :lionbiggrin
I just told it to some german-speaking fans ^^
Do you have another one?

Alex Kile
08.06.2006, 12:37
That is funny colbalt. Thankgoodnes he also sold out of nail guns.

The Sonic God
09.06.2006, 06:38
Harry starts his new job at the zoo and he is given three tasks, the first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

Harry starts on this when suddenly a bloody great fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death.

Upon doing so he realises that his boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything, so Harry feeds the fish to the lions.

Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clearout the monkey house. Harry gets stuck in and a couple of chimps starts throwing garbage at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is extremely nervous, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Anyway, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees, as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of bees. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do, you guessed it, feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo, it wanders up to another lion and asks, 'what's the food like here?'

The other lion responds, 'absolutely brilliant, today I had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'

Cobalt
09.06.2006, 17:04
lol. Very nice TSG. :)


One day an out of work mime was visiting and hoping to earn some money. The zookeeper explained that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla had died suddenly. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get a new one. The mime accepted.

The next morning the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. It was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he drew bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. But, eventually the crowds tired of him and began to pay more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

In an effort to recapture their attention, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top of the lion's cage. The lion was mad, but the crowd loved it so much that the zoo keeper came and gave the mime a raise.

Each time the mime taunted the lion, he got bigger and bigger raises. But one day he slipped and fell into the lion's cage.

The mine ran, but the lion finally caught up with the mime and had him pinned to the ground. The mime was screaming and fighting for his life, yelling "Someone help me, PLEASE, help me!!!!"

The lion leaned over and said, "Shut up you moron! Do you want to get us both fired?"

The Sonic God
10.06.2006, 08:07
Where in the world did you hear that one, Cobalt? XD

Cobalt
12.06.2006, 14:16
Oh, that's an old one TSG.

Sorry, no new jokes today. I tried calling the animal joke hotline to request some new material, but the lion was busy. (Get it? :liontongue)

Alex Kile
12.06.2006, 23:39
A lion went to see his doctor complaining about a pain in the eye eveytime he had a cup of coffee.

So the Dr looked in his eye and couldn't find any thing wrong. So he referred him on to a optometrist.

the lion told the optomitrest the same story.

"Every time I drink a cup of coffee the same thing happens I get a big pain in the eye" he said the optomitrest said the same thing "I cant find any thing wrong here. So he referred him on to get an allergy test done.

the lion told the next Dr the same story.

"Every time I drink a cup of coffee the same thing happens I get a big pain in the eye" he said the Dr. the Dr said the same thing "I cant find any thing wrong here. So he referred him on to psycolagist. thinking it was psychosomatic.


The psycolagist him down to talk over a cup of coffee. befor the lion took a sip of his coffie the psycolagist said.

"do you ever take the spoon out?"

The Sonic God
13.06.2006, 22:19
Originally posted by Cobalt
Oh, that's an old one TSG.

Sorry, no new jokes today. I tried calling the animal joke hotline to request some new material, but the lion was busy. (Get it? :liontongue)

Lame! XD

Kirauni
21.06.2006, 19:48
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The Sonic God
22.06.2006, 22:18
Originally posted by Kirauni
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Sounds like something on Jay Leno... (think about this for a moment, it's really amusing.)