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Thread: My first short story: A Frightening Experience

  1. #1
    Rudelführer/Pride Leader Kirauni's Avatar
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    16.07.2000
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    Southern Prides, Germany

    My first short story: A Frightening Experience

    All right, I had to write a short story for an English course and now I wanted to post it here.
    I hope you will enjoy it
    Oh, and comments could really be helpful for it was my very first short story.


    A Frightening Experience

    Kero slowly woke up feeling the warm and cozy fur of his siblings right next to him.
    Their rhythmic and peaceful breathing offered him a feeling of comfort and shelter.
    Carefully he opened his eyes. It seemed to him like this was a day like many others, yet slowly but surely he got used to the dull light. Something was different.
    As he turned around and looked for his mother he recognized she was missing. Instinctively he started to whimper crying for her. Then he waited.
    None of his siblings woke up, nor did his mother come back. Kero turned his head over at the entrance of the den, where a little ray of light had entered. She must have gone out again looking for something to eat. The light attracted the young pup and with the fever of excitement he stepped gently towards the bright spot.
    To him it seemed as if it was the first time he was that close to the entrance.
    Carefully, he took a further step then turned around and waited. His brothers and sisters were sound asleep and his mother seemed far away. She surely didn’t approve of him getting out all alone, however the curiosity now reached its climax. There were things Kero had never experienced before: dozens of different smells and sounds were rushing upon him. With his heart beating like a drum he took the final steps and left the cave.
    Immediately he had to close his eyes for he was blinded by the light. When he looked up the bright yellow ball was shining upon him. The smells and sounds were so strange and new, he didn’t know what to think anymore. For him the world has been the den: the place where he had spent the last four weeks. Now he felt like being drained into another world: a world he had never imaged to exist.
    Of course his mother had told her pups about the world outside, but Kero couldn’t believe it. She had also warned them not to go out on their own, but being overwhelmed by the new discovery he was unable to turn back.
    He took a few steps and felt something soft under his paws. It was green, cold but very comfortable to walk on. Absolutely no comparison to the hard soil in the cave.
    It felt like a dream. The young wolf could hear the trees rustling in the wind. A cold breeze shook his fur, Kero shivered.

    Suddenly he spotted a small creature flying through the air. Its brightly colored wings and quick movements immediately caught the young pup’s attention. Playfully, he

    raced after it as fast as his little untrained paws would allow. Hearing the rhythmic pounding of his paws beating the ground and feeling his heartbeat: thud-thud-thud was all he could hear and he got lost in the game. It felt brilliant.
    The hunt went on as the forest grew more dense. Strange shadows surrounded the area and the huge ball of light was almost gone, but Kero’s eyes kept following his prey. The butterfly landed on a dead tree trunk, blocking the way. The hunter only had to pounce on it. Forcefully, he pushed his paws to the ground and leapt.
    Very clumsily he made it over the trunk and caused the butterfly to escape.
    He lost his balance, fell off the trunk and landed on something soft.
    Kero shook his head in amazement and looked right into two dark green eyes.
    It must have been one of the beasts his mother had warned him about.
    Hadn’t she told her pups about huge brown creatures with deadly fangs and claws?
    He saw a huge pile of fur moving underneath his paws and those angry eyes stared at him. The young wolf was shocked and desperately tried to get up. With a jump he left the back of the beast and started running. The image of its sharp fangs still haunted his mind.
    “Mother! Mother help!”, he howled in horror. She was nowhere to be seen. Images of his father came to his mind. In his mind he could hear his mother’s voice talking about him and although Kero had never seen him before she spoke great of him.
    Really strong and very reliable. He surely would come to save him in time!

    The pup tried to get back to the cave, but he completely lost direction. Every rock and tree seemed identical and even the smells were mixed up. They were to many to differ from. Without a clue he ran straight forward without paying attention where his paws carried him.
    Still running, he stumbled and fell on his back. He had no way to run and turned round. The beast had arrived, staring at him coldly. For a moment time seemed to stand still and Kero stared right back into those deep piercing eyes, feeling completely lost.
    It were the eyes of his father.

    (written by S.Spohn aka "Kirauni")

    "Respect the past; you never know how it may affect you."
    ~ Brom, "Eragon".


    "Maybe there's a darkness in me, too..." (~Kovu, TLK2)

    Und nicht vergessen: Ich hab noch die Logs!
    Achja und vielen lieben Dank für den tollen Avatar, Tacimur!



  2. #2

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    Wow Kirauni,
    I love the style of writing. That's excellent.
    But please tell me that's not for your pupils? This would depress me very much.

    Furthermore it's amazing how consequentially you can hold the time. When I write something in English that's the first thing that goes.
    I only run over the short story due to insufficient time, but I'm looking forward to read this one more, with the necessary time.

    The only thing I recognize is:

    Immediately he had to close his eyes for he was blinded by the light
    Are you sure it's "for" and not "before". I don't know. Maybe I don't get the sense of the grammar, story or both.

    Nevertheless, keep up the good work. I wanna read more. ^^
    HP: Simba - The Lion King

    Vielen Dank an Shungi fuer den Avatar.

  3. #3

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    Originally posted by s-tlk

    The only thing I recognize is:

    Immediately he had to close his eyes for he was blinded by the light
    Are you sure it's "for" and not "before". I don't know. Maybe I don't get the sense of the grammar, story or both.

    Nevertheless, keep up the good work. I wanna read more. ^^
    "For" is correct -- in the sense that in this particular usage it means "because":

    Immediately he had to close his eyes [because] he was blinded by the light.

    I must admit though "before" would also make sense in the context of what was going on as well.

    Sometimes English is just weird.

  4. #4
    Rudelführer/Pride Leader Kirauni's Avatar
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    16.07.2000
    Location
    Southern Prides, Germany

    Default

    Yes, it can be quite confusing at times. There are many things even I can't explain properly.
    Thank you for your nice comment, s-tlk.
    And no, it's not for my pupils but for my teacher. And she has already corrected some mistakes. Hopefully I'll find the time to replace the version by the corrected one.
    And don't be discouraged. I just wrote an essay in class and I bet there are thousands of mistakes concerning the tense. I'm always mixing up "past tense" and "past perfect"
    I'll need a lot of time to do it right, and I didn't have that time in class.
    But I'll try improving my grammar ^^

    "Respect the past; you never know how it may affect you."
    ~ Brom, "Eragon".


    "Maybe there's a darkness in me, too..." (~Kovu, TLK2)

    Und nicht vergessen: Ich hab noch die Logs!
    Achja und vielen lieben Dank für den tollen Avatar, Tacimur!



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